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Grateful

Introduction

Being jobless made you unaware of public holidays. As I remember one month ago, visiting a doctor just to make sure I have a fit and proper condition to work in a university. The doctor smilingly said, "We look forward for a simple holiday." I really miss that feeling. As today, we passed one of Islamic day, I just did nothing, wakeup in the night till morning, like this, till I close my eyes for a rest.

What Made Me Grateful Today?

It is far away from suicidal thoughts, but it is just a glimpse of life. I met two strangers, male, and just chat. Just that. No other reason. No particular reason why I am thanking for the chance of meeting them. One is in Medan and the other is nearby, but I do find them not challenging enough, but good to spend nonsensical chat and sort of things. Dek Harri, Anak JPang Adam... Nice to meeting you.

Another Thoughts

At some point he texted me, asking how I was, I just simply responded with 'dry'. It was meant two things, my throats is literally dry because it is itching and dry as... no sensual movement. I think I can let you go now, I can't hold onto you. You have life, you deserve to have your own kids, but not with me. At some points, I believe the idea of 'desperate'. Maybe I was a desperate girl you ever know, as you said I am the only girl you close with. Countless suicidal thoughts and yet you just don't listen. I need you to guid me, not to act like a doctor.
I did enjoy things with you, it will make me no regrets for you, except I turned you to be a smoker, which I still don't have the guts to smoke myself. I still think that smoking is a damn fool things to do, you can harm yourself like, cutting, or any other dangerous action but not with smoking. I condemn that action, but that's your own risk now.

Dying

I still have this suicidal thoughts, the way he said, "do u. consult doctor" I replied a simple 4 letters, Nope. I don't want to get treated, as my life is going nowhere, my life is all alone and I don't have a proper purpose as of yet. Many people have their own problem, such having low in lactation and things, but I don't. I just don't have job, which made myself become a sloth... there are few streaming services which give you pleasure to watch good series or movies, but some how I get bored with them. As I love Hindi movies, and sometimes I just bored. I don't want to watch them, I need a break. I need something to explore myself and surround it.

Burden of the Past

I followed Achim (Steiner). He was posted like this:
As I was intern there, I love to do this kind of things, but I lost my chance. I am thinking to send a message to Achim to help me get a job, in UNDP somewhere, but I don't think it is wise. At least I can't go back to that office by using that kind of tricks.
This burden get me...dying. Prefer to die than looking at something I can do, but I don't have the chance to... it is like... all your knowledge, your existence is gone... like literally die.
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Location: Karak, Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, Pakistan

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