Living my life without taking notes--or simply as writing, harder that I thought. It was because saddest time of my life. Being jobless after quite misunderstanding and now I am in the deepest pit of hell.
Where should I begin?
Future or Past? Or just like a movie title of X-Men, Days of Future Past.
Honestly, I don't have much glimpse of the future. Job? I don't have it. I'll have such FGD session at one of bank in Jakarta, but I can't ensure that I could make it. Maybe, if you look into my eyes, you will see sorrow, just sorrow. I remember one of my Desi friend told me, "Your eyes are sad." but he loves my lips. He would bite it.
Just to get an easier picture, I'll describe myself as what I thought. Few of acquaintances will say good things, and close friends will say better things, but I will be myself in here. Knowing you don't know me at all, well, if I share this to twitter, I think I just need a support.
My age is 26 years, will be 27 this year. I haven't been married but I don't interest in one. Recently I was breaking up with a Pakistani boy, which is currently being my world, and it is crumbling... yeah, dear. C-R-U-M-Bling.
My first kiss was 2012, with a local boy. We were like 8 years apart, that time. I didn't like it, too sweet because of nicotine he consume everyday. I didn't to weird things with him, we were trying to live-in, but it was not done. Around 14 months later, I found definition of love, which will always left a mark in my heart and I could cry if I remember.
There was one time, in 2018. I texted him to pick me up because I fell in a beauty parlour. Maybe I live in lie, but the way I see, his eyes tell me he loves me. But he has family, has a wife and a daughter. He was encouraged me to be married, but I decline, "I have one. He is in Pakistan.", "It is too far, why not searching in here? Indonesia?"
In silent, I spoke to myself. "If you asking me, I'd say yes." but I destroy that thought, knowing I won't get it, ever. Post Verses of Love (2), when some people keep saying Keara degrading the status of woman, but I see that was valid, because she asked in front of his wife, there is no lies in between.
The only reason why I don't have the guts to marry is... I am infertile. I can't have my own babies. I know, the purpose of marriage is to have your own, but I can't.
By documents, I am a Muslim. I do some rituals, but I don't belong to conservatives. But let's not talking about religion, my last relationship is done because of religion. That got me thinking whether I deserve to be loved or not? Maybe my existence is unwanted.
I do self-loathing in routines. So, please don't judge me further, because I already hurt myself.
Jobless.
Abandoned.
Infertile.
Fat. Big One.
Mental Issue.
~then what else you need to clarify, to continue living?
Where should I begin?
Future or Past? Or just like a movie title of X-Men, Days of Future Past.
Honestly, I don't have much glimpse of the future. Job? I don't have it. I'll have such FGD session at one of bank in Jakarta, but I can't ensure that I could make it. Maybe, if you look into my eyes, you will see sorrow, just sorrow. I remember one of my Desi friend told me, "Your eyes are sad." but he loves my lips. He would bite it.
Just to get an easier picture, I'll describe myself as what I thought. Few of acquaintances will say good things, and close friends will say better things, but I will be myself in here. Knowing you don't know me at all, well, if I share this to twitter, I think I just need a support.
My age is 26 years, will be 27 this year. I haven't been married but I don't interest in one. Recently I was breaking up with a Pakistani boy, which is currently being my world, and it is crumbling... yeah, dear. C-R-U-M-Bling.
My first kiss was 2012, with a local boy. We were like 8 years apart, that time. I didn't like it, too sweet because of nicotine he consume everyday. I didn't to weird things with him, we were trying to live-in, but it was not done. Around 14 months later, I found definition of love, which will always left a mark in my heart and I could cry if I remember.
There was one time, in 2018. I texted him to pick me up because I fell in a beauty parlour. Maybe I live in lie, but the way I see, his eyes tell me he loves me. But he has family, has a wife and a daughter. He was encouraged me to be married, but I decline, "I have one. He is in Pakistan.", "It is too far, why not searching in here? Indonesia?"
In silent, I spoke to myself. "If you asking me, I'd say yes." but I destroy that thought, knowing I won't get it, ever. Post Verses of Love (2), when some people keep saying Keara degrading the status of woman, but I see that was valid, because she asked in front of his wife, there is no lies in between.
The only reason why I don't have the guts to marry is... I am infertile. I can't have my own babies. I know, the purpose of marriage is to have your own, but I can't.
By documents, I am a Muslim. I do some rituals, but I don't belong to conservatives. But let's not talking about religion, my last relationship is done because of religion. That got me thinking whether I deserve to be loved or not? Maybe my existence is unwanted.
I do self-loathing in routines. So, please don't judge me further, because I already hurt myself.
Jobless.
Abandoned.
Infertile.
Fat. Big One.
Mental Issue.
~then what else you need to clarify, to continue living?
Comments
Post a Comment